I grew up with...

a strict code of behaviour and beliefs that were reinforced, and that, throughout my childhood and even into adulthood, I adhered to blindly. From household habits to societal hierarchies to lifestyle choices, there was a 'right' way of thinking about and doing things. But we grow up, and things were never what we thought they were. The foundation is shaken when we encounter unexpected events, and we have to choose to either ignore the new information or allow our thoughts to evolve.

It's easy to live automatically and comfortably through old habits, but I believe that the unexamined life is not only not worth living (kudos Socrates), but potentially destructive. Be it the environment, someone's life, or your own, we have to tread carefully and try to understand what type of footprint we're making. (How many times have you wished that you did things a little differently had you been a little less presumptuous?) A lot of bad things are born from ignorance, and worse if there is ignorance about the ignorance. The first step is to realize how little we know. The second step is to be thoughtful. And the third is to live accordingly.

Otherwise, it's hard to find happiness in this world if we don't at least make an effort to understand and come to peace with it.

This isn't surprising, though. 

Putting aside the various dogmas that we were brought up with, we are a distracted generation. Commercialization and mass media have us being pulled in different directions by artificial needs and wants. Our achievement-based and money-focused society have also led us astray from fulfilling our authentic needs. Our selfishness and motivation to feed our ego is stronger than ever. And we don't not have enough uninterrupted, peaceful moments in the day to listen to what we really need. In the confusion and arenas of over-stimulation, our core needs and values are lost, beaten up and hidden away.

And really, we become the living dead.

In order to push out the uncomfortable fact that I was doing something wrong, I became better than ever in forming arguments, and I could convince myself of almost anything I wanted to believe. But there came a part of me that realized something was off. I wasn't being authentic; and I wasn't as happy as I could be. 

It was one of the reasons why I started practicing yoga and meditation. I wanted to clear my head and be able to listen more. After a while, I felt more focused, and had more clarity as to what I wanted from myself (and the world) at the end of the day. I'm still working on it, but I'm a little more effective now, and feel a bit more peace than I did before.

v-Day 2012

This has been the longest that I've ever been away from my blog since I started it back in first-year university. In the last year, I have made several attempts at getting something coherent together, but it never felt right. Part of the reason why I stopped writing was that it suddenly felt pretentious - spilling my ideas out as though I knew anything about the world; talking about my experiences like I knew what life should be about. I was afraid to say something ignorant and not know it.

But I would like to continue writing. It helps me organize my thoughts and helps me try to make sense of the world, if nothing else. So for those still reading this, thank you for your company :) and please help me take my foot out of my mouth should I put it there.

So here we are again, and it happens to be Valentine's Day season. One of the traditions here is the annual tribute blog to the day on which I seem to be perpetually single for. But nonetheless, I like it. It's cute :).

I recently signed on to eharmony with the encouragement from a good friend of mine. I went in not knowing what to expect... and man, it is tedious. And it feels strange that I may or may not meet the man of my dreams by combing through profiles on my computer and over-analyzing photos and profile descriptions. Not romantic, but I guess, modern. It is an interesting experience. A social medium where, when you decide to communicate with someone, it is mutually understood that you're both trying to figure out if the other is going to be The One. (no pressure)

The whole experience feels a bit artificial to me. I can see being good friends with some of these guys. Or some of them I may come to really like over time. But because of the set-up of the situation (everyone is dating more than one person at a time, and makes quick decisions on who to cut and who to keep), it doesn't lend itself well to a natural progression of bonding and intimacy. I had a one guy treat our first date like a business meeting and lay out a 3-year plan for me. I had another guy tell me that I was the one after an hour of meeting.

It is cool that I get to meet people that I wouldn't otherwise meet. But I prefer being in real-life situations, and experiencing events together and seeing who I vibe well with. As opposed to staring at my computer screen and trying to figure out whether a guy who says that he enjoys spending time with his family is really just a momma's boy, lol

Anyhoo, I spent this Valentine's Day weekend with my best girl. We watched The Vow (really sweet movie), and then had a heart-to-heart over warm almond milk black tea and tiramisu. (I just reread my last sentence... man, I am not usually this stereotypical, haha) Anyway, she's a pretty special person to me, and one of the few people with whom I can be starkingly honest with. I live for these conversations. Where I don't need to deal with impression management and just express my thoughts in whatever way they end up coming out. When I feel connected to the other person, and understood, and appreciated. I woke up the next morning feeling more awesome than usual . I couldn't have asked for a better date 

subway mutterings* - ep two: knowing that you have no idea
(*fragmented notes i make to myself to pass time during my boring subway rides to/from work)

I remember when I was little, grown-ups all stood as beacons of perfection to me. They were the gold standard to what I should become one day. But the older I get, the more I see how flawed people are. Albeit beautifully in many ways, but tragically so in others.

I think that people speak more than they think, judge more than they understand, and do more harm than they genuinely intended to. People are rash. Primal in still so many ways. We are so mean, and often time with no reason to be except for the lack of consideration and compassion.

There are a lot of hate going around any time anything happens. I was unnerved by the amount of premature comments going around on how the "dark ages" are ahead for Canada now that Harper has his majority government. People hate with no idea what they are talking about.

"The best argument against democracy is a 5-minute conversation with the average voter." (Winston Churchill). Who knows what will happen. Unless someone is starkingly evil and has an affinity towards mass destruction or genocide, give them the benefit of the doubt. Use your best thoughtful judgement, keep an open mind, and let the chips fall where they may.

I don't mind the negativity so much, on their own. But it becomes a bigger issue once it affects other people and manifests practical consequences. Besides taking the focus off issues that actually matter, there are mentalities that perpetuate negative self-fulfilling prophesies and/or vicious circles of reciprocating personal attacks. When attacks begin, there is no longer communication. When communication cease, there is no chance at resolution. And a loss for harmony/peace/happiness.

There is no way of understating the significance of listening.

subway mutterings* - ep one: crush
(*notes i make to myself to pass time during my boring subway rides to/from work)

How do I differentiate between the existence of genuine chemistry and superficial compatibility/get-alongness mixed with his gorgeousness? I find that I'm untrusting towards my judgement these days. How much do people really know about what they want and need anyway?

"Take a dive. It's worth the risk." Well, you still have to weight the probability of getting jabbed and whipped by trees and shrubs along the way. Or impaled by jagged rocks at the end of it. I'm trying to see what's over the edge of the cliff but I don't have my glasses. And I'm not sure where to find the right pair. Who's the ophthalmologist in this analogy anyway? (seriously, anyone know?)

I've been telling myself and anyone who askes that it will come in due time and there's no need to force things that weren't meant to be (if there's such a thing). But I think that's just a fancy way of saying I'm a sitting duck with big googly eyes.

But what else can I say?

"dammit he has a cute smile"

since the last time i saw a normal face in the mirror - day 11 

This past week, and especially this past weekend, came and went with a mix of high and low emotions.

To pick up from my last blog when you saw me swollen and bruised, things have changed for the better or worse since.  On Thursday and escalating over the weekend, I started to develop itchy hives on the parts of my face that was bruised. The hives overtook the bruises on the left side of my face and has now come down under my chin. On the other hand, the bruises have gravitated down my throat. To the unsuspecting stranger, I think it looks like I got strangled, and burned on the bottom half of my face. That or something is eating my face and I am possibly contagious. I kind of miss the bruises I had before - at least it could've been passed off as a bar fight.

I guess it would have been nice to hibernate in the safety of my own house for this long weekend, but instead, my acupuncture program started and I had to be at McMaster for the last 3 days. I didn't know anyone else in the program, and winced that the thought that I would have to meet the 90 other people taking the course and hopefully make a few new friends... face-first.

At the beginning, I noticed my social skills suffering because of what I thought I looked like. I avoided eye contact, spoke a little quieter, wore my hair down even when it was messy and unflattering, and pulled up my scarf whenever I could. Fortunately, I managed to become friends with a chiropractor from Calgary that also didn't know anyone else in the program. We stuck together for most of the day, and I really appreciated her company.

It seemed like I was having an allergic reaction to something, but when I called my dental surgeon as things got desperate on Saturday, all he had to offer me was the quick assumption that I was experiencing an infection from the wisdom teeth extraction, and just told me to rinse my mouth with salt water more frequently. 

And then things started making a turn after that. I became acquainted with three traditional chinese medicine practitioners (TCM) and they were all really awesome people, each on their own merit. One of them told me that he'd noticed my hives from the first day and offered advice and discussion on what might be happening. Another is married to a dentist and she called her husband to see if he's seen something like this before. The third was also an amazing person, and super cute and caring.

By the end of the day, a few of the instructors (who happens to work in the same clinic as me (but we work in separate spaces so I haven't got to know them very well)) also took interest in how I was doing. They just about started a team discussion on how I should manage the rash and bruises, and were ready to make calls to their friends who have more expertise in the area. They continually monitored my face throughout the weekend, weren't afraid to touch it to feel out what was happening under my skin, and gave me tons of advice. And I got a hug too :)

On top of that, I started to realize what an AMAZING program I was enrolled in. The director and main instructor of the program is unbelievably impressive, the rest of the instructors are also incredible clinicians, and the course has already started to impact my philosophy and change my perspective on client care. And of course, I am also learning a new, fascinating skill that has so much history and physiological complexity and eloquence. For the last two days, I almost forgot about what was going on on my face and came home ecstatic about what I've been inspired with. I won't be able to do it justice by explaining the experience further, but let's just call it a mind-explosion. I get very excited when that happens :)

I also randomly entered into a discussion with one of the TCM practioners. He is also an author, a feng shui practitioner, a TCM instructor, has a PhD from UofT, and has training from all around the world. I was particularly interested because I know little of the nature of his expertise, but do know of the skepticism that it receives from the general public. He talked to me about the basis of Chinese astrology, patterns that repeats themselves in history, the fine line between making predictions and treading insanity, and concept of destiny and human will. I can't say whether or not I'm a believer, but I definitely have a new appreciation and respect for those realms. Also very mind-explodey and exciting stuff.

One of the other TCM practioners sat beside me in class, and when I complained about the ongoing itchiness of my rash, she laid out my arm on the desk and inserted one acupunture needle in, and told me this will give me some temporary relief. After about half and hour, the itchiness stopped. And didn't come back until the end of the day. &#@* @&*@!! When we had a break, she went into an extensive assessment of my health (from an Chinese medicine standpoint), and shocked me with how much she was knew about my health just from looking at my face. I will be making a visit to her clinic next weekend.

So by the end of the weekend, I was loud (and potentially obnoxious) again, and became acquainted with even more people in the program. I'm still relatively upset about my face, but it doesn't bother me as much now.

Awesome weekend. holy geezus.

Side note: to all my fellow PTs or other functional rehab professionals reading this, if you haven't already taken the McMaster Contemporary Acupuncture program already - I highly, highly, highly recommend it - it will change your approach and your heighten your career. I've had previous acupuncture training but this program blew that one under the train.